Santa Must be a Woman
by Unknown
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off.
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
-- Men can't pack a bag.
-- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
-- Men don't answer their mail.
-- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
-- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
-- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
-- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
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Santa
Is A
Man
by
Unknown
Santa
is a
man.
It
is
precisely
because
Christmas
is
an
"organized,
warm,
fuzzy,
nurturing
social
deal"
that
Santa
has
to
be a
man.
Delegation...
that's
the
key.
Just
imagine
if a
woman
was
trying
to
delegate
all
of
those
tasks
and
obligations
to
her
underlings.
Christmas
would
be
as
ambiguous
as
the
spring
equinox.
Nobody
would
know
what
day
of
the
year
we
were
going
to
celebrate
it
on.
It
takes
a
man
to
organize
a
commercial
event
as
huge
as
Christmas.
What
with
the
ads,
the
parades,
the
football,
and
(usually)
the
basketball,
the
sheer
immensity
of
the
task
would
overwhelm
most
females.
We'd
have
to
plan
football
schedules
around
lunch
instead
of
the
other
way
around.
Or
worse
yet...
there
might
not
be
any
football
at
all.
(Shudder)
That's
a
scary
thought.
If
Santa
was
a
female,
the
toys
might
never
be
delivered.
It
would
take
a
she
Santa
until
New
Year's
Eve
to
get
dressed
(for
the
third
time)
and
out
of
the
bathroom.
And
just
try
harnessing
those
reindeer
with
freshly
painted
nails.
Never
happen.
Once
she
got
underway,
she'd
be
too
busy
talking
on
the
cell
phone
to
her
girl
friends
to
get
all
the
way
around
the
world
to
every
girl
and
boy's
house
in a
single
year,
let
alone
a
single
night.
If
Santa
was
female,
the
whole
idea
of
gift
giving
would
be
unrecognizable.
Everybody
would
get
socks,
or
ties,
or
aftershave,
or
fuzzy
slippers
every
year.
There
would
be
none
of
the
noise
making,
shoot
'em
up,
battery
operated
windfalls
that
kids
love.
Bicycles
would
all
come
complete
with
helmets
and
knee
pads.
And
training
wheels
so
nobody
could
get
hurt.
Toy
soldiers
would
be
replaced
by
books
on
improving
one's
self
esteem.
Christmas
just
wouldn't
be
the
same.
I'll
tell
you
another
reason
why
Santa
has
to
be a
man
(AND
a
football
fan).
Look
at
the
names
of
his
reindeer...
Dasher,
Comet,
Blitzen...
If
those
aren't
male
names
for
football
players,
than
I'm
an
elf.
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